It's a little unfortunate but having an empty house to myself has given me a lot of time to think about things I would and wouldn't like to think about. The first few days of my 'break' from the internet were tearful and horrible and for awhile I got much better after some people let me speak to them instead of keeping my feelings all inside. Today seems to be the official end of that 'nice' break period, but I suppose that's okay.
Once again I've driven someone I idolized away from me with how I (unwillingly) am, but this time it unfortunately means I have to let go of a lot more. I've loved pokedressing
since I first started there, but with how things are now, and how I am with dealing with those things I really don't think I can properly 'go back' there. Sure once and awhile I may treat it like a proper DR and drop by, but as for my huge 'cast' of characters there I think it's best to consider them all dropped.
It's not fun, typing this, and it does bring me to tears losing so much CR, or chances for CR - but I've already lost so much CR, so many AU's, from my own screw up, that it's really impossible for me to go back and see those characters without getting emotional. While it leaves me without a place to play my favourite characters anymore...what can I really do? It's an unfortunate situation I've had to come to, and it isn't one that makes me happy, but it's better for everyone, even if it'll take me a longer time to get to that "better". I may be losing a lot of friends by doing this, but... but I don't even know. It hurts a lot that a lot of people wont really be interested in me at all anymore by doing this, but it's...okay.
So once again, like many many times before, I guess I have to start over again. I'll never find a place like pokedressing
again, but maybe I can find somewhere else on LJ that I might be able to fit in, even if just for a little while. I don't think I'll find, or look for it, anytime soon but...
The offer to musebox is always
open to anyone, I don't want anyone thinking this post means I don't want to play with them at all, since I seem to have given than impression to people no matter if I seem to insist otherwise. So yes, do not be put off with the idea to IM me and say "hey, wanna tag ____" or "let's do this". 99% of the time I am going to say yes.
I'm defriending some people again - mostly PDR people who I personally feel don't have much of an interest in me beyond roleplaying, if that isn't the case, then please feel free to ask to be re-added. If you're offended then that really wasn't my intent - I'm sorry for that. Right now I'm just trying my best to protect my own feelings, since I seem to be doing such a terrible job of that in every other way. I understand my ways of dealing with things aren't what people would consider 'right', but it's hard for me to see things in another way due to my paranoid and all-around self-depreciating nature. I know it's not easy for people to be patient with me, or to bother with me at all, and I understand that, but I just wish they could talk it out with me instead of giving up on me so quickly.
...I'd apologize for the TL;DR, but it's my own journal, and I'd like to be able to properly express myself in it for once, even if the idea of leaving this kind of post public utterly terrifies me. I'd like everyone to be able to read it whether they're on my flist or not, since I don't quite think I can come to post an entry in PDR about not going back at all.
I'm drawing a blank on anything more to say, so I suppose I shouldn't force myself and just...leave this as it is. If you bothered reading, thank you.